Appia Gratia Avita Gaio Tullio Valeriano Germanico et omnibus S.P.D.
Salvete omnes!
Here are my thoughts on the subject of comitas.
Comitas seems like such an "old-fashioned" kind of thing.  And it is true that those of us in the West don't think about this as much as we should.  I recently saw a video that we are going to be sharing with high school seniors that talks about this and the internal mechanisms that play into us choosing how we act vs. the default setting of people are simply an inconvenience and in my way  (
http://vimeo.com/66775750 ). Â Anyway, in our school (for those who don't know I teach high school English/Language Arts) we have a monthly class designed to focus on what happens after school. Â We discuss things like how to choose a career, what is it like to have to pay bills, how to manage time and all those other skills we don't often think about teaching directly to young adults. Â At least 1 lesson per year focuses on how we treat each other. Â I wrote the conflict resolution lesson this year and found out some interesting statistics. Â For example,
research shows that 60-80% of all difficulties in organizations come from strained relationships between employees, not from deficits in individual employee’s skill or motivation.  Over 1 million Americans miss at least one day of work per year due to stress.  One of the points I make in the lesson is that resolving conflict often involves forgiveness.  Forgiveness requires empathy, compassion, and courage.  Ghandi himself said “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.† It is much harder to let something go, to stop carrying a chip on your shoulder, to put something in the past in order to maintain friendly and cordial relationships.
All of this plays into comitas.  In some ways, living with friendliness, courtesy, and graciousness seems counter-intuitive.  In our society we think “nice guys always finish last.† We don’t often think that being kind and thoughtful is a position of strength.  Yet, when I look at myself and my reputation I can’t think of anything more important.  I am kind because I appreciate kindness shown to me.  I try to be gracious, even to those I really don’t like, because I appreciate the same.  In other words, I endeavor to live with comitas in part because of what I get in return. Â
How often are we touched by some story in the news?  It happens all of the time to most of us.  When I think of comitas I inevitably think of the Amish school shooting of a few years ago.  Do you remember how people were astonished at the reaction of the Amish community?  The community mourned this horrific tragedy and yet they made a point to contact the murder’s wife and children.  They looked to the family’s needs even after their own children had been slaughtered.  Their primary concern was to the others.  Their strength, dignity and compassion made many people stop and reflect on how that is missing in our modern, busy, disconnected world.  Â
This past summer I had the privilege of driving across the country with my two boys and my fiancé.  On our trip we drove through Amish country near where that shooting happened, through Sandy Hook, past Virginia Tech and a mile from Columbine.  In fact, we drove past Columbine because I was showing my children where I used to live.  I can vividly remember so much about that day and the following year because I lived a mile away.  It wasn’t intentional that we drove past all of those schools.  It just happened that way.  I told my boys (ages 13 and 11) about living in Littleton, about the Amish school shooting.  They already knew about Sandy Hook and Virginia Tech.  But when I told them about the Amish story they were filled with amazement.  They were absolutely certain that if someone killed their children they could never, ever meet with that individual’s family and help them.  When I reflect on the condemnation that people heaped on
Nancy Lanza, the Sandy Hook killer’s mother, I can see how very far our society has moved away from comitas.  No one knows what the family circumstances were like.  No one knows what she went through in the years before her son did this.  Perhaps she made mistakes and those mistakes may have caused those little children at Sandy Hook to lose their lives.  But the truth is we don’t know.  We don’t know if some graciousness, kindness and friendliness shown to her or her child could have changed the future. In our effort to try to understand, to make sense of it, we condemn.  The Amish didn’t do this.  They didn’t try to understand, they didn’t try to condemn.  They saw a family – a mother and two grieving children and they let go of their hurt and confusion enough to make contact.
In our effort to live as the Romans did comitas is a great way to start. Â Cornelia, mother of the Gracchi, was an example of living with graciousness, with comitas. Â She famously said that her children were her jewels. Â Cornelia, Senecca says, lost 10 children by number. Â But she also lost two great men in the brothers Gracchi. Â She forbade those around her to blame Fortune for she was grateful to have given birth to the brothers. Â Seneca ends by saying that is the kind of mother he wants his mother to be. Â Seneca said she was a woman who deserved to be ranked with the great men and Plutarch said her noble spirit and education allowed her to overcome many tragedies. Â All of this can be summed up in graciousness of manner. Â
One is left to wonder what would happen if we all endeavored to live with graciousness, friendliness and courtesy.  This doesn’t mean avoiding lively debates or for a person to accept all mistreatment that comes his way without responding.  But, if we all showed more courtesy to one another as a society, no matter where we live in the world, would we decrease the violence?  Could something as simple as that have prevented one of the tragedies above?  We will never know.  But being gracious to others costs me nothing and yet I gain so much from it.  I’ll continue trying to live with courtesy and kindness.  In a word I will continue to try to live with comitas.
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________________________________
From: Gaius Tullius Valerianus <
gaius.tullius.valerianus@...
To: Nova-Roma Main List <
Nova-Roma@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Thursday, July 25, 2013 7:16 AM
Subject: [Nova-Roma] Roman Virtues: Comitas
Gaius Tullius Valerianus Germanicus omnibus in his foris S.P.D.
Salvete omnes!
I extend my sincere thanks to everyone who participated in our discussion
of *auctoritas. *Continuing the Roman Virtues Project, let us move to the
next virtue on the list: *Comitas*
Our website defines *comitas *thusly:
"Humour" Ease of manner, courtesy, openness, and friendliness.
The definition from the Oxford Latin Dictionary is as follows:
1. Friendliness, considerateness, courtesy, graciousness *b. *(in respect
of giving) generosity, obligingness
2. Good taste, elegance
Something worth consideration, especially considering the
unpleasantness in some discussions in Nova Roma. The Romans valued *comitas.
*A Roman ceased to be truly Roman and became a mere barbarian if he was
boorish, crass, and inconsiderate. Displaying good taste, a sense of
elegance, and courtesy was an important feature of Roman civilization, and
should be again. Of course, one may question whether the average citizen in
the back allies of the Subura considered *comitas *as important as, say, a
noble senator, but all my own research leads me to conclude that it was.
Similarly stratified societies often show an intense awareness of the due
courtesies by all members of society - perhaps *especially *among those of
the lower classes, who expect to see their "betters" behaving properly. And
the average Romans valued *comitas *among themselves, certainly.
What do you think of the virtue of *comitas? *How is it best
displayed, lived, practiced today? How do we keep ourselves on the path of
courtesy and friendliness, and away from crude, crass, boorish words and
deeds? Who are the ancient - and even modern - exemplars of *comitas *whom
we should admire and emulate? How do we remind ourselves, as Romans, to
always give due consideration and courtesy to others?
This may be a difficult virtue for modern people to practice -
especially in the West, perhaps especially in the United States, where
manners and courtesy, assumed by the Founders to be essential components of
society, have often ceased to be respected, and individualism prompts some
to obey their passions rather than their sense of decency. It seems a
modern Western axiom that the way to prevail is to be the one shouting the
loudest and the longest, but Romans knew that *comitas *often achieved
better results. This is one of the Roman virtues that the modern world most
needs.
Valete omnes, I look forward to your thoughts!
Gaius Tullius Valerianus
Augur of Nova Roma
Lictor Curiatus of Nova Roma
Tribunus Plebis of Nova Roma
Proconsul of America Austroccidentalis
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